Guess it would happen sooner or later, I'm sick. Haven't been sleeping well for like almost one week? Either couldn't fall asleep or would keep waking up, work and training still carry on as usual. My body finally have reach the limit. Both physicaly and emotionally.

Actually what started out as a happy night, ends up in a depressing note. She actually agree to go out with me for a movie, I was like over the moon. Den at 10pm sharp, came another sms from her telling me she couldn't make it. Her reason being her mum didn't agree to let her go out after all. Or maybe she just doesn't want to see me at all. Maybe...

I think I'm not fine at all. I thought I would be able to forget her. I thought I wouldn't miss her. I thought I would fall for another one soon. I thought...Me is not me now at all. What the hell is happening to me?!

I've been roaming to find myself. How long have I been feeling endless hurt? All I can see is drowning in cold grey sand. I'm dying of thirst, I wanna run away, don't know how to set me free to live. My mind cries out feeling pain. If it's a dream, now wake me up. If it's for real, just kill me.

In the pain, I'm waiting for you.

I think I won't get to say it in real life....and since no ones actually knows my blog add...might as well say it here loud....

Jocelyn...I'm in love with you. You won't believe me when I tell you in person. Maybe I'm not the one for you, maybe you just plain dislikes me, maybe I'm not the person you have in mind of a perfect boyfriend, there are just so many maybe. No matter what ever happens in the future, I can cross my heart and say I would be always there for you, always there.

If only you knows how I feel...if only...

Stab the dolls of hate.
Wash yourself with their blood.
Drive into the raging current of time.
Swing your murderous weapon into the belly. "The earth."
Shout and start creating confusion,
Shed your blood for pleasure. And what?
For love? What am I supposed to do?

Past and future prison my heart.
Time is blind, but I wanna trace my love,
on the walls of time over pain in my heart.

What is your element



Your element is Shadow: Indifferent, unusual, gentle and a complete mystery. No one tends to know quite what to think of you because you camouflage your emotions so incredibly well, almost as well as your thoughts. You are unpredictable in that no one knows exactly what your going to do or what your capable of and you've made sure they never will. You are quite the wallflower but deep down inside is a kind and very intelligent person. You are capable of love but unless you let some light into your shadowed life you'll have a hard time with your relationships. People are a mystery only because they all seem too superficial, you would rather be somewhere else. Away from all the noise, perhaps putting your feelings into a form of art. Such as writing your feelings into a poem or journal, or perhaps painting a picture. The shadows make you feel comfortable and you don't like to step outside your comfort zone or let anyone else in, the spotlight terrifies you. You are truly a mystery.

Rarely do I blog away from home. Just happen to be having a long break at work. It's been a hectic morning, try to get some functions in proper order. Tomorrow is my day off so it's not so bad. Having a full body medical check up at OUB Center, Raffles City there. It's for my next job which I'm not saying what until I've sign the confirmation letter. Thursday is Vesak Day so it's another day of rest for me.

Been feeling quite sucky and moody and depressed and blah blah blah for the past one week. I know it's all because of one thing. Everything between me and Chieh have been settled. She understands and doesn't blame me anymore. We're still frens so it's all good.

She's talking with me again which is a good thing. I seriously miss all the time I spent with her during that one week. Even it's only one week, it's been a wonderful week for me.

You will understand me one day, you will...

This I promise you.

Why are you scared?
What have you seen?
In the castle with the silent roses
I ask again and again
Why are you sad?
What pain are you feeling?
Oh, I ask of the rose with its petals of blood
But the rose of blood can't answer me till the end
Scream without raising your voice...

You can't draw a picture of yesterday, so you're painting your heart with your blood. You can't say "No". Only turning the wheel of time with a rope around your neck. You build a wall of morality and take a breath from between the bricks. You make up imaginary enemies and are chased by them. You're trying to commit suicide. You're satisfied with your prologue. Now you're painting your first chapter black. You are putting the scraps of life together and trying to make an asylum for yourself. You're hitting a bell at the edge of the stage and you are trying to kill me.